Social anxiety in dating can be quite a challenge, and people get really, really discouraged by it. To his credit, he has taken full responsibility for his interactions with women and is committed to doing the hard work and self-development that will make him successful.
I have been impressed by his positive attitude and willingness to consider various points of view.
I also have social anxiety which makes approaching women difficult. The women I actually desired largely saw through any lines or act. The PUA community helped a little in building my confidence to approach, but I can still be a bumbling mess.
I just have to hope that they can appreciate me as I am. Frankly, I have a lot to be proud of.
I should have probably showed more of myself from the beginning. Social anxiety can be crippling, and it frequently becomes a vicious cycle — the more anxious you feel, the more anxiety you radiate, the less successful your social interactions become. The most successful approach to treating social anxiety is a Cognitive Behavioral one. A treatment approach or plan usually takes months, and is aimed at changing thought and behavior patterns to eliminate self-limiting beliefs.
Sessions are structured and consist of strategic planning and reporting on completed assignments.
He feels very distressed. The CBT plan for him might look something like this:. Observe the general demeanor of those whose success you wish to emulate. Seek out those who attract you as potential friends.
Continue to observe those who feel comfortable in social settings. What specific behaviors to they use to introduce themselves? How do they circulate in a room?
Do they spend any time alone and watching? This approach involves gradual but frequent exposure to challenging situations, with the goal of getting mentally acclimated and eventually practicing new behaviors to reduce anxiety.
This is why PUA routines are such a massive fail for most men. Sexual attraction is not remotely possible under these conditions. It teaches men to survive by being literally unfeeling. They lose their ability to make ethical decisions about their own behavior, as well as its effect on others. All of the language is adversarial — this sounds like sniper talk!
So, thank you for this information as it has given me a firm plan of action to take with this girl and it will allow me to set boundaries for the type of treatment I will accept from her. I still wanted to follow my plan as best I was able. I sent her a text during group saying I Hookup a man with social anxiety getting coffee after group let out and would she like to join me. After group she bolted away and took a different route out of the building than usual.
So I knew that she was now uncomfortable with me. I let it go after that. I said I understood and wished her all the best.
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I flirt, banter, and take an interest in their lives, and they seem to enjoy themselves around me, but ultimately all have simply felt nothing for me. They learned so little about me.
KT is obviously discouraged. What he needs now is to refine his understanding of the way women deal with men who are displaying interest. Obviously, I only have his side of the story, but here are my observations. At that point, he should have totally dropped his plan to invite her out. Attraction is a dance, with both parties communicating a great deal nonverbally.
She sent a message she hoped was clear — she did not want to interact. She was polite and respectful, and KT responded in kind when communication was direct. She replied to the text and told KT she was not attracted to him. In this case, the idea of leaving the door open in case she changes her mind would probably feel like subtle pressure.
KT says that after he got her number, she was responsive for a few days. A friendly text after chatting is fine, but he might have viewed their first meeting as a promising start and resolved to connect again at the next meeting. The texting may have felt like too much too soon. Alternatively, if the chemistry is palpable I think Hookup a man with social anxiety benefits a guy to follow up with a concrete invitation rather than go into chit chat mode over a number of days.
KT says that this was the fourth woman he tried to connect with in three weeks.
If she pulls back, abort! My sense is that some of these moves do come across as a bit anxious, though. In my view this is too transactional — he would be better served by getting acquainted with this woman in a more relaxed way within the group.
If and when real chemistry was evident, he could suggest coffee.